Five shifts to empower your teenagers to become self-led adults Shift #4 – Creator to Co-Creator

Five shifts to empower your teenagers to become self-led adults Shift #4 – Creator to Co-Creator

The last few weeks we have been looking at five shifts to make that will help empower your teenager to become mature, healthy self-led adults. We have looked at Shift #1: Talker to Listener, Shift #2: Center to Side and Shift #3 – Causal Interaction to a Conversation with Purpose.  As a reminder, I am not an expert in parenting. But I have learned a thing or two about coaching and helping people take action towards the direction God has designed for them in life and ministry.  Also, these five shifts are not limited to parenting. They relate to working with teenagers in youth groups or wherever you’re connecting with people in meaningful ways to help them take the next step on their journey to follow Jesus’ mission for their life. Let me give a bit of background so you have some context.

Shift #4: Creator to Co-Creator 

In our last post, I shared that my wife and I attempted to use a coach approach whenever we could while raising our kids. Starting very early, we did our best to listen and ask questions when the situation warranted it, as opposed to telling them what to do all the time. We wanted them to be able to process the world around them for themselves and make their own decisions… while providing guidance when necessary. 

This led to some very interesting conversations during their teenage years. One of the most invigorating conversations we shared independently with both kids was the lingering question – “What are you doing upon graduation?” Of course, it was never so eloquent or overt; but part of the answer was that in the case of both kids, college was clearly their next step. At least we understood the vision. Getting down to the goals and action steps were more nuanced depending on which child we are discussing.

Our oldest was a bit more reluctant to enter the college application process. It took a bit more finesse to engage him in setting his goal and action necessary to apply.  But apply it he did, and the rest is, well, very cool indeed.

Our youngest was very clear on her goal and how to get there. Not a lot of coaching was necessary until it came to the dreaded “loan tolerance” conversation. Needless to say, I did the heavy lifting running the numbers to reflect on the three options in consideration. She chose wisely. Made the choice that made the most strategic, financially responsible and practical sense.

Below is a simple framework of the things we did to help our teenagers co-create their agenda.

 Mini-Shifts:

  • Release the need to control the agenda
    • Internally, align your agenda with the Holy Spirit’s agenda.
  • Allow the other person to set an agenda
    • Connect and allow the new disciple to reflect.
  • Engage the other person to set the agenda
    • Ask: “What do you want at the end that you don’t have now?”

Real – time Actions:

·       Ask the your teenager to clarify their “win”.


Below are two opportunities that can help you refine your disciple-coach skills!

5 Disciple Coach Habits webinar – Monday, October 11 from 10-3 PST

CLICK HERE

Cost: $250.00

The full package includes the webinar AND triad sessions:

CLICK HERE

Cost: $475.00

Empower your teenagers to become self-led adults: Shift #3 – Causal Interaction to a Conversation with Purpose

Empower your teenagers to become self-led adults: Shift #3 – Causal Interaction to a Conversation with Purpose

The last few weeks we have been looking at five shifts to make that will help empower your teenager to become mature, healthy self-led adults. We have looked at Shift #1: Talker to Listener and Shift #2: Center to Side.  As a reminder, I am not an expert in parenting. But I have learned a thing or two about coaching and helping people take action towards the direction God has designed for them in life and ministry.  Also, these five shifts are not limited to parenting. They relate to working with teenagers in youth groups or wherever you’re connecting with people in meaningful ways to help them take the next step on their journey to follow Jesus’ mission for their life. Let me give a bit of background so you have some context.

Shift #3: Causal Interaction to a Conversation with Purpose

One of the things we did very early with our kids was to use a coach approach whenever we could. Simply put – we used listening and asking questions versus telling. Of course, a parent must tell their child not to touch the hot stove or they can be seriously injured, but on other occasions, if the situation warranted, we tried to apply coaching technology.

This led to some very interesting conversations during their teenage years. Due to the location of our home we had three viable high school options within a 7 minute drive (10 minutes if we were in traffic). Early on in the decision-making process we decided each school was viable, had solid academics and comparable extra-curricular activities. I imagine, these are the primary priorities most parents consider when considering a public school. We had good, healthy and sometimes tense conversations about what school the kids wanted to attend. We agreed that this was a decision the kids would make. We were deliberate, discerning and prayed for wisdom along the way.  

I liked the newest campus because it had all the bells and whistles that a new school in 2010 should have. Gina liked another school in particular because they offered the International Baccalaureate (IB) program.  However, the kids preferred the largest school of the three: it offered the most dual enrollment courses, had the most Advanced Placement (AP) offerings and they had an amazing principal who was the founding leader with a stellar record. I discovered that dual enrollment credits transfer directly over to college which could save up to a year of tuition (I really appreciated their logic). It wasn’t the most attractive of the three options but it was not in any way deficient – so we went with this option.  

Here are the things we did to move from a causal interaction to a conversation with purpose.

Key Question: How can I establish high trust?

Mini-Shifts:

  • Build a trusting environment
    • Empathy conveys that you feel what the other is feeling
  •  Adopt a coaching process
    • Make their agenda your agenda and help them clarify a step.
  • Engage with your teen
    • Help them tap into their intrinsic motivation.

Below are two opportunities that can help you refine your disciple-coach skills!

5 Disciple Coach Habits webinar – Monday, October 11 from 10-3 PST

CLICK HERE

Cost: $250.00

The full package includes the webinar AND triad sessions:

CLICK HERE

Cost: $475.00

Empower your teenagers to become self-led adults Shift #2 – Center to Side

Empower your teenagers to become self-led adults Shift #2 – Center to Side

Recently, we have been looking at five shifts to make that will help empower your teenager to become mature, healthy self-led adults. Last week, we looked at the Shift #1: Talker to listener. Shift two is all about moving from the center of their lives and decision-making to the side. As a reminder, I am not an expert in parenting. But I have learned a thing or two about coaching and helping people take action towards the direction God has designed for them in life and ministry.  Also, these five shifts are not limited to parenting. They relate to working with teenagers in youth groups or wherever you’re connecting with people in meaningful ways to help them take the next step on their journey to follow Jesus’ mission for their life. Let me give a bit of background so you have some context.

Shift #2 – Center to Side

One of the things we did very early with our kids was to involve them in sports. When we lived in Phoenix, Gina and I coached their respective “recreation”  soccer teams. We lived in the city and the rec leagues were designed for all kids to participate regardless of athletic ability or economic situation. Our son played one summer of T-ball and we asked him not to play again (the summer heat even for an early game was suffocating) and later basketball  BTW – both kids are athletic and our son is a very quick learner so new sports came easy for him. They enjoyed sports.  

When we relocated to Southern California we graduated from rec leagues to competitive soccer.  What the kids gained were nicer uniforms, higher calibre of coaching and players with a bit more skill. What they lost was the fun factor! For me (playing competitive soccer most of my life through my sophomore year in college at a NCAA Div I program) and Gina (elite gymnast and field hockey player in Australia with the additional bonus of studying kinesiology at university) – we had to make a hard decision and consider: Was this about us or the kids?

Our response to that question led us down the path of understanding what we cared about and hoped to instill in our kids.  So we made the hard decision to tell the kids that they did not have to play a competitive sport; but in exchange they had to remain active. That meant, regular body movement. We died to ourselves and helped the kids discover activities they were passionate about!

We took ourselves out of the center and moved to the side!

This meant we had to become like Barnabas. What we discovered was that we were able to dedicate the time we had given to all-weekend tournaments and engage with the kids on hikes, camping and exploring various activities like rock climbing, mountain biking and swimming together. Today, they continue to be curious about the outdoors, learning new activities like trail running and walking the streets to explore new parts of the city while testing their skills and levels of fitness with new activities.  This was the vision of what we wanted for our kids back when we made the difficult decision of making this about them – not about us.

Here are some of the things we did to make this shift in the way we parented our teenagers.

Key Question: How can I resist the temptation to force my agenda and be attuned to the other person’s agenda?

 Mini-Shifts:

  •       Sacrifice your need to be the center of the conversation

o   Make your teenager the focus of the conversation.

  •       Support your teenager to discover their next step

o   Facilitate the discovery of a step for your teen to take responsibility.

  •       Put your assumptions, opinions, and biases in the background

o   Resist the temptation to make judgements and remain curious.


Following are two opportunities that can help you refine your disciple-coach skills!

5 Disciple Coach Habits webinar – Monday, October 11 from 10-3 PST

CLICK HERE

Cost: $250.00

The full package includes the webinar AND triad sessions:

CLICK HERE

Cost: $475.00